Let me begin by saying, I’ve had a cold. Not a summer sniffle, but a full-blown, Category 5, doozy of a cold. This viral juggernaut has pumped an estimated 60 gallons of glop into my poor, beleagured noggin, a vessel which has, at most, a 2-gallon capacity. As an added bonus, I sound like Darth Vader — and I’m a girl.

Now, when I blow my nose, there’s a baleful creaking in my ear canals and nasal passages. The scary part is, I’m not the only one who hears it. Alert bystanders can, too. That’s not normal, is it? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

Have I mentioned I’m an accomplished hypochondriac? I am. I can turn a hangnail into leprosy like that. It’s probably my greatest talent, an art, really. So, of course, this cold sent me scurrying under an electric blanket set on ‘6’ (yes, in August), where I hovered very precariously between life and death — in my mind, anyway.

All types of gruesome, morbid scenarios have played out in my stuffed up, congested, muddled head. Horrifying visions of ERs and ICUs and oxygen tents and ambulance interiors danced around up there. I scared myself silly with these thoughts.

Which, by no small coincidence, is how I came up with the idea for today’s post: the many and varied ways I don’t want to die. And the one way I favor. So, without further adieu.

I Don’t Want To Be:

1. Buried Alive
2. Hung
3. Impaled on a Wrought Iron Fence
4. Beheaded
5. Sucked into a Jet Engine
6. Strapped in the Electric Chair
7. Left Adrift in Outer Space
8. Asphyxiated by a Ham Sandwich in a Hotel Room
9. Done in by Hannibal Lechter
10. Attacked By a Shark
11. Scalped
12. Stoned By a Mob of Angry Villagers
13. Boiled Alive in a Cauldron by Cannibals
14. Bored to Death

I’d Like to Die Laughing, please.

No hurry, though. Someday in the far, far distant future is fine. Absolutely no rush.

Thank you and have a nice day.

copyright © 2014 little ittys