dnr with addendum

toe tag

Dick Cheney will not die, not if he and medical science can help it. Before his heart transplant, there was so much hardware in his chest, he clanked: a pacemaker and a stent and a battery-powered implant. The old dude obviously prefers a bone saw to Judgment Day.

Not me. When my number’s up, adios and sayonara, ladies and gentlemen. The door won’t hit me in the ass on the way out. Just the thought of lingering on life support and ‘extraordinary measures’ gives me the willies. So, please, do not try to resuscitate me. Don’t even reach for the smelling salts. Just stand back and let nature run its course.

Maybe I’ll sputter back to life on my own — it’s possible, I suppose. You know me; I like to surprise people. If I don’t, though, a tip o’ the hat would be a lovely gesture as I depart. Shocking the crap out of me with a defibrillator is overstepping. I won’t be grateful you saved me, I’ll be pissed off I have to do it again. Death is inevitable, remember?

It’s not the kind of thing we need to practice. We won’t get faster or smarter or more accurate if we rehearse. Which brings me to the addendum part of my DNR: I don’t want to be reincarnated, either. No freaking way.

It’s fine for Shirley MacLaine, but reincarnation is not my cup of tea. I don’t want to start from scratch as a whole new person or, uh, thing. How does one stipulate for that in a dnr order? Do not recycle? Because that’s what reincarnation is, an aggressive recycling program. Count me out.

God’s way too unpredictable. There’s no telling what He has up those big, flapping sleeves and, honestly, I’m afraid to find out. Worst case? I’ll return as a penguin. Those poor bastards have no wings to fly and no legs to run away. To make matters worse, they’re stuck in the damn Arctic. I’d rather be a snake; at least I’d be in a warm climate.

Okay, on second thought, never mind. At the first sign of trouble, you come a-running with CPR training and cardiac needles and 9-1-1 on speed dial. Haul me back here with jumper cables if you have to. Thank you and good day.


copyright © 2014 little ittys

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