Aw, crap, does anyone know how to make a tourniquet? Should I call an ambulance? Get out the sewing kit? What should I do?
Well, I should start having my legs waxed, that’s what. I need to quit shaving them, it just leads to bloodshed. I’ve lost gallons over a lifetime of hair removal. I try to be careful, but it’s a tiresome process and I hurry. I’ve nicked and gouged my way to more scar tissue than a surgical patient. Long, thin ribbons of skin regularly embed themselves in my razor when I use it.
I have to stop the carnage, but I can’t. I don’t like the feel of stubble. I prefer the feel of smooth, silky skin. You’d think I’d pay closer attention then. The scabbing and crusting get in the way of smooth and silky, like speed bumps. If I was wealthy or even gainfully employed, I’d invest in electrolysis or something. Waxing sounds too barbaric.
The bright side? Band-Aids. They’re fun to wear and I get tons of compliments on them. See, I try to match the different colors and styles with what I’m wearing. I keep a wide assortment on hand at all times. It’s how I make a personal and totally original fashion statement.
Right before I pass out from blood loss.
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