After careful thought and deep introspection, I’ve decided to run for a seat in the United States Senate or the U. S. House of Representatives. Either one. In exchange, I promise to halfheartedly represent any state or district foolish enough to elect me.
Please, allow me to explain my decision to become a politician: the perks. My head’s been turned by cushy pensions, free healthcare, and the fact that they get to vote for their own pay raises, regardless of job performance. But, wait, there’s more.
The trend in Washington is toward shorter stints. In 2016, the Senate will be in session a laughable 143 days out of a possible 365. The House schedule is even lighter, a feeble 111 days. Come on, it’s an election year, that takes precedence over the nation’s business.
Now, let’s look at the math:
222 vacation days factors out to 7.13 months of time off. You’ll note, however, there’s no corresponding cut in pay. And that’s because current officeholders don’t refer to their ultralight schedules as vacation, but as “district work periods,” time spent among the constituents (i.e., the well-heeled).
Okay, ‘work’ will require clarification here. In DC, ‘work’ is defined as: campaigning, spinning, pandering, campaigning, entertaining, posturing, schmoozing, campaigning, stonewalling, glad-handing, campaigning, finger-pointing, singing the national anthem, and campaigning. Tax reform? Thorny policy issues? Immigration? Well, who has the time?
Their relentless schedules are packed with $10,000/plate lunches and $50,000/plate dinners and $500,000 speaking engagements. They haven’t time to waste on silliness; they’ve whims to cater to. Important whims. Whims that serve the very pressing needs of campaign donors (translation: zillionaire power brokers), the lifeblood of American politics.
With all due respect, our politicians are amateurs. I am the living, breathing embodiment of half-assed slacker; I just need to get the hang of bootlicking. But I will. Please elect me as your next Senator or congressperson. Thank you.
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