a coming to terms

aviatrixFirst, I crashed my bike into a tunnel, breaking my shoulder and puncturing a lung. Then came the subsequent, harsher collision: the one with reality. I’m simply too old for this.

In the immediate aftermath, the wall I hit acted as a kickstand and propped me up. I felt curiously freeze-framed, as if someone had hit the pause button. I was dazed and in shock and fighting a really strong urge to vomit, but two thoughts kept me company:

ittys_thoughts

The ‘screwed’ conclusion is obvious, but Christopher Reeve needs explanation. He was Superman, remember? More to the point, he was paralyzed in a horseback riding accident and spent the rest of his life as a bedridden invalid — a fate I couldn’t dismiss given the circumstances. It was hard to breathe; one arm and shoulder were useless; the slightest movement was agony and made my stomach lurch.

Oh, how I wished for those fateful seconds back. I wanted a redo, a chance to maybe walk the bike down the incline instead of careening wildly into a sharp turn. And I knew full well how futile and unavailing my wish was. Only Christopher Reeve, I believed, could understand the cold, hollow fear in my heart. That kind of crazy shit races through my head when I’m scared and hurt, which is too goddamn often.

And it has to stop; I won’t be as lucky next time. I’ve got to smarpedalsten up and reassess, pronto.

However, since I refuse to be afraid, I intend to get back on my bike in the next few weeks and go for a spin. Maybe many times before cold and snow make it even more ill-advised. Then I’ll use the winter months to reevaluate, because biking isn’t meant to be a contact sport. So perhaps I should investigate other possibilities. Yoga is good, but you need balance and patience. Badminton, if it didn’t require a racket. Knitting, I guess, minus the needles.

Well, something that isn’t life threatening, anyway.

bungeecopyright © 2016 little ittys

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2 thoughts on “a coming to terms

  1. I reckon getting back on the horse is part of the healing process, so good for you. But don’t be going all Evel Knievel unless you invest in something a defensive lineman would be comfortable in.:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As long as this won’t be the start of a brand new healing process I’ll be happy. By the way, where would one buy defensive lineman gear? Or maybe I should just roll myself into a wrestling mat and wear a barrel over that?

      Liked by 1 person

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