Good God, what has happened to our standards? We used to admire the admirable. You know, heroic, deserving types who actually accomplished things. Guys like John Glenn. Lou Gehrig. Jonas Salk. Robert Mueller. I’m drawing a blank on Sideshow’s contribution. To anything. Bear with me, I’ll need a minute to think. Please, talk among yourselves …
Okay, how’s this? He did successfully and repeatedly dodge military service and income taxes, declare bankruptcy on four separate occasions (to the tune of billions upon billions of dollars), defraud charitable investors by using donations for his own personal gain; he fixed an election, pissed off allies, mocked veterans and the disabled and hurricane victims; he eagerly panders to white supremacists and misogynists, homophobes and xenophobes and scaredy-cats; he operates at a fifth grade level, is disconnected from reality and truth, and he cheats at golf. Have I missed anything?
Sure, I have, but the point is he doesn’t make contributions. Sideshow Don is a taker, he serves himself and very generously, too. You see, he, alone, is worthy. So why is he being investigated, that’s what he finds so darn puzzling. That, and umbrellas, he can’t figure those out, either.
So let me toss out some alternative figures we can admire instead of Mr. Trump. They each have Trump qualities, just minus the lying, chest-pounding bloviation. For example, Charles Ponzi, he was a straight-up fraud. Or Boris Badenov, an incompetent Russian operative. How about P.T. Barnum? Snidely Whiplash? We have bunches of options. Pepé Le Pew, Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber, Chernobyl — now there’s a man-made Russian disaster for you. Let’s choose someone else for second most admired man in America and reclaim some pride in this poor, beleaguered country.
Besides, not to quibble or anything, but I’m not 100% convinced Sideshow Don is a man. Or human, for that matter. I’d classify him as an organism, a single-celled life form such as bacteria, which plays a crucial role in organic decay. You have to admit, Trump is eminently more suited to a petri dish than the Oval Office.